Empathy Before Instruction: What to Do When Someone Is Drowning

“When someone is drowning, that is not the time to teach them how to swim.”

Adele Faber

When someone is overwhelmed, emotionally unraveling or buried under stress, they do not need advice. They do not need a plan. They do not need a lesson. They need presence.

This quote by Adele Faber reminds us of something many people forget. When someone is struggling, it is not time to fix. It is time to feel.

The Urge to Fix

We mean well. When someone tells us they are hurting, we want to help. We start offering advice. We share what worked for us. We try to guide them toward a solution.

The problem is, if someone is in survival mode, they cannot absorb logic. They cannot think five steps ahead when their whole body is consumed by anxiety, sadness or fear.

Imagine shouting instructions at someone who has fallen overboard. They cannot focus. They cannot breathe. They are not ready for lessons. They need a hand.

What People Actually Need in Crisis

When someone is drowning emotionally, they need safety. They need to feel held, not handled.

They need someone who says:

“I see you.”

“I am here.”

“You are not alone.”

They do not need:

“You should have…”

“You know what your problem is…”

“Here is what I would do if I were you…”

Even the most intelligent advice will feel like noise if someone is still gasping for air.

Presence Over Performance

Being there for someone does not mean having all the answers. It means being available without judgment. It means listening without the urge to correct or control.

We underestimate how healing it is to sit beside someone in their mess and simply be there.

Not to fix.

Not to teach.

Just to be.

That presence becomes the anchor someone needs to feel safe enough to surface.

The Right Time for Guidance

Teaching has a place. So does advice. Just not in the middle of the storm.

Once someone is calm, once they feel supported, once they know you are not there to control but to care, then you can ask, “Do you want help thinking through this?”

Only then does teaching become useful.

Timing is not a detail. It is everything.

Final Thought

When someone is drowning, they do not need a swimming lesson. They need a lifeline.

Be the hand that reaches in, not the voice shouting from the shore.

Empathy first. Instruction later. That is how we help people rise.